The Moon Outside The Window
by pluto-mint
Summary: Gundam SEED. Shounen ai. AthrunKira. Athrun ponders about the moon, his life, and Kira. Read and review please!


**Disclaimer**: Gundam SEED and related characters belong to Sunrise. They're not mine.

The Moon Outside The Window 

A Gundam Seed fanfiction by Pluto-mint

**Summary:** boys fall in love with boys

**Pairing:** Athrun/Kira

**Warnings:** Shounen ai themes, if you don't like them then don't read. Few grammar mistakes I guess.

**Rating:** PG-13

_Now on to the Fic minna-san! Enjoy!_ ^_^

The Moon Outside The Window 

You saw the moon with its pale and gray surface and you wondered if it's the same moon you once saw the earth. In your memory, you recalled that the earth's moon was white and bright with its silvery glow. It's so unlike the same moon that's hanging outside the ship's window, so lifeless and empty. Somehow, it reminded you of your own life. The thought had made you smile in silence.

You turned your cheek and felt the coolness of the window glass touched your skin. A shiver ran through your body and you felt so cold and alone.

The empty space outside the ship's window was dark and quiet in an eerie way but you knew too well that in anytime soon the space will be filled by the lights and the bangs, like a firework party you once saw in your childhood days. But it won't be a firework party, for the bangs and the light won't be coming from the fireworks. They will be coming from the guns, the canons, the laser beams, and the Genesis. Killing and destroying all that's left in the space and maybe the moon too. It's such a shame, the moon was a beautiful thing and the earth would be missing its silvery glow. Well, at least you know you would.

But soon the war would be over and maybe this was your last battle and your last moments as a soldier. It didn't matter though. You being a soldier was your father's wish anyway, a father that you're going to lose in this battle.

Your breaths covered the window glass, giving it a sheer of mist on its cold surface, and you realized that you've been losing so many things in your life. They were lost and could never be found again. Your mother, your best friend, and now… your father. 

The funny thing was you didn't feel a thing about it, not even a twinge of regret. You didn't know why, but deep inside your heart, a voice was saying that maybe you felt that way because you know that you're doing the right thing, fighting against your father for the right reason. For peace.

But then again, maybe… maybe you've just become so numb.

And maybe that's what the most regretful thing of all.

And it's scary when you finally realized the fact that you couldn't feel a thing. Maybe you have lost your senses… maybe you have lost your mind… maybe you have lost your heart…

Maybe you have lost yourself.

Yeah. That must be the truth. 

It explained why you didn't feel a thing when you kissed Cagalli. The kiss had been nice though. It felt good to finally knew that you were needed. The moment you kissed, you had thought, vaguely, that you finally have something to live for. To protect her and…Kira. 

But after a soft thank you escaped from her lips, her hand touched your face gently and then she whispered those words in your ear after the kiss, telling you that you were meant to protect somebody else.

Your reaction was only a soft 'oh'. Guilt was written on her face, thinking how much the words had hurt you. Ironic. Because the truth was, her words, they didn't hurt at all. And you weren't in denial.  So you gave her your smile and said that you understood what she's said. She left you with a kiss on your cheek and thanked you for your understanding.

It was… odd, how your heart had reacted to her rejection. Her rejection should've hurt, but it didn't. Your heart was colder than you thought it was and that must be the only reason why you didn't feel a thing for **_her_ rejection. It was just… nothing. **

But it had hurt to find how empty your heart was.

You felt nothing.

Nothing. 

It was like the way you felt when you're only fourteen, when you're left alone without someone to cling to, without someone who wanted you, and without feeling needed. It was when you were first sent to the military academy by your father. You just lost your mother and the only friend you ever got, Kira, forgot about you. Isolated and depressed since no one wanted to be your _real_ friend, they only saw your family name and they always took you as a spoilt little brat, you felt lonely without the people you loved most. 

But it's okay. Because, unlike Kira who can express his feeling easily, you were raised to be a perfect soldier, calm and collected. You were born to wear a mask. And the fact that you couldn't helped your mother's death had made it hurt a little less when you realized that she won't be there to hold you in her arms.

But… Kira…

You had missed Kira so much. In the corner of your darkest mind, you thought that he had abandoned you. Leaving you behind, making yourself felt unworthy because you weren't needed anymore. It had hurt to think how Kira used to need you to hold him when he cried. But he's gone, leaving you lost and lonely.

You remembered one day you just couldn't take the loneliness anymore and wept silently before the blood oozed from the cut you've inflicted upon your wrist.

Suddenly there was Dearka, he found you. Yzak snatched the blade out of your hands. Nicol cried and held you in his arms because they needed you. It was nice when you know that you were needed and you began to live again.

Still, the loneliness was there to stay. Because no matter how hard you wished, Nicol, Yzak, and Dearka, could never replace the memory of your mother and… Kira.

And when you finally met Kira again, you saw the changes in him. He was stronger and braver and yet the innocence was still twinkled in his eyes. And he remembered you. That was the only thing that mattered to you. 

But fate had a strange sense of humor. If  Kira remembered you then why did he fight against you? Didn't you matter to him?

Still, you were torn by your feeling for him. It felt so wrong to fight against him. So you never fought back, resulting Nicol's death.

Amazed and angered by his strength, you tried to fight him back. It had hurt when (you thought) you have killed him. It's like losing yourself over and over again. And you realized that you've been doing the wrong thing because you didn't want him dead. You never wanted his death.

And so you fought with him against your father for peace.

The empty feeling didn't go away though, not even now when you're close to Kira, close enough to touch him. But no matter how hard you try, you hands could never reach him. So many people love him. When he cried, Lacus will wrap her arms around him and supported him like you used to do. And when he fought, he didn't need you to protect him. He's strong enough to fight alone right now.

It hurt because you're not needed. 

You were not needed.

Your eyes stung and you tried to hold back your tears from falling. 

A light squeeze, that's coming from a gentle hand on your shoulder, brought you back from your reverie. 

Kira stared at you with his worry eyes. What can you do but to smile at him? 

"Kira."

"Athrun." 

***

"Are you alright?" He's asking you with his soft voice. His eyes were still red and puffy due to the tears he cried a moment ago. A moment ago, he was crying the name of a girl, Fllay was it…? Cagalli had said that she was his comrade or maybe more. He kept saying, as you held him in your arms, that he would protect her, you heard it between his tears. He never changed does he? Kira was always like that, so selfless and so kind. 

You sighed and his thumb started to make tiny circular motions. His gloved hand still rested on your shoulder, radiating you with his warmth.

"Aa."

"The moon is beautiful isn't it?"

His foggy breaths covered the window glass and he's tracing little meaningless patterns on its glassy surface with his fingers. He could be so childish sometime.

"It is. But I think it looks more beautiful in the earth's sky."

"Aa. I used to see the moon with… her… outside Archangel's deck back when we're on the earth."  

The sadness was dawn upon his eyes again, maybe he's thinking about the girl and you couldn't help but to feel jealous at her.

"I hope the war will be over soon." His soft voice echoed down the hall and it was filled with sadness. Like you, Kira has lost so many things in this war. But unlike you, Kira still has something worth to live for. 

"It will." You tried to sound optimistic, hoping that it will cheer him up.

He smiled, "You're always like that Athrun, so strong… and so calm…" and it's amazing how his smile can make you feel a little happy, although what he's saying was not entirely true.

"I'm not…"

A puzzled look was seen upon those violet eyes, they're questioning your words as a sigh escaped from your lips, "I'm not that strong and I'm not that calm. I'm nervous because I don't know what this battle will bring for us."

He held your hand, clasping his fingers with yours as if he wanted to give you his strength. "I don't know either, but I'll keep on fighting because just like what you've said to me, some things cannot be protected without fighting."

You turned your eyes to see his and soon found yourself drown in those violet pools. "Yeah, I too will fight," _for you..._, "even if it will cost my life for it."

"Athrun…" Your name was spoken with a shaky voice, "Please don't talk about death… especially your death…"

"Why?" you smiled to him, "It will come when it's time, besides maybe this is my last battle. If my live is the price I must pay to regain the peace then there will be no hesitation in me to give it a way. I don't have anything left."

It's true, since you didn't have much in your life anyway. The only thing that's good in your life was the years you had spent together with Kira. Those were the best days of your life. Those were the years that held so many pieces of your soul.

It was when the two of you were best friends. Though Kira was so much unlike you, he had always been a crybaby, but he was kind and sweet and nice and trusted you more than anyone else, that's why you had always protected him and comforted him when he cried. You had laughed together, trust each other, and happy, feeling content just by watching the stars together.

Suddenly, you found yourself inside his arms. His shoulder was shaking to his sob and you felt his body start to shake too. "Don't… I won't let you die." His eyes were on the brink of the tears. Hands gripping your shoulder in an iron grip. "Because… I …"

"Kira..." your voice sound so tired. And that's the truth because you do feel tired. You're tired, tired of the war, tired of your life, tired of everything. "Shh… don't cry… I'm not saying that I would kill myself in this battle…" You held his shaky frame in your arms, trying to soothe him with your words. But his sobs never fade, in fact they're getting louder right now.

"Don't… don't try to kill yourself again…," You were puzzled by his words, how did he…? How did he know about it?

"I …" you tried to answer but your mouth has gone dry. He must have taken you as a coward right now. _Oh what a fool you are…_ "What are you saying Kira?" You tried to let him go, trying to see his eyes, but his hands were holding you tight. 

"I… I saw the lining scar in your wrist last night." he's clutching on to your chest and start to weep, "And when I asked Dearka about it…. He … he told me that you'd been trying to kill yourself once… I …" 

"It's not what you think it was." The nails digging into your skin as your hands balled into a fist. "I was foolish for feeling so desperate and lost after we parted. You didn't come to PLANT and… I … I ... thought you that didn't care about me. But I know that it's not true." _Is it?_

"Athrun…" He lifted his eyes so that he could see yours but you avoid his eyes, you didn't want him to see the emptiness inside, all the weakness that's left in your soul. You forced a smile on to your lips and sighed, "It didn't matter though. It wasn't your fault Kira."

"But Athrun… you… you…" he whispered weakly, "…you matter to me. So please don't die because I don't want to cry over another death that I could prevent… don't…" The feeling of his wispy brown hair tickled your skins, making them tingle with something you cannot quite fathom. Your fingers ran through his silky brown hair and you inhaled the sweet scent of autumn that's so… him. So sweet and comforting.

"If anything should happen to me, it would be my fate Kira. It will be alright."

He snapped his head and grip your shoulder so tightly. Tears streaking from his eyes and you saw him crumbling down. All the walls shattered, the twinkle in his eyes dimmed ever so slightly. _It hurts to see him like that…_

"Then go… Just walk away like you did before. Did you think that I wanted to be separated from you…? What can I do to make you stay…?" His voice was barely a whisper when he pushed you away. Trying to calm himself, he wraped his arms around his shaking body. The sight of him crying somehow melted your heart, "Kira…" and you couldn't help but to think that maybe he did care for you.

"What can I do to make you see that I … I …" his head hung in desperation and you couldn't take this pained feeling anymore. "Shh…." You snaked your arms around his trembling body and brush his tears gently with your gloved hand. _Is it alright to touch him like this?_ His lifted his eyes again but this time you didn't avoid them.

His violet eyes met yours. Those deep violet pools pulled you into their depth but this time you didn't resist them. It's just so natural to feel the windows, the moon, the busy sounds of the mechanics, fade away into nothingness, leaving Kira as the centre of your universe. 

The streams of sudden realization hit you. This feeling, this sad but yet also beautiful feeling, inside your heart was love. You love him and you knew that by now. 

"Kira… I…"

"I need you Athrun."

And his eyes, they're so clear, you could almost see your reflection in them. Almost. Still… it's not enough for you. 

Oh crap! Yzak said once that you didn't wear red for nothing, that's why you dared yourself to kiss him. Firmly pulling his face closer so you could brush your lips onto his, you can tell that he's startled with your sudden movement.

His lips were warm and inviting with their perfect shade of peach. You didn't want him to pull away so a gentle push was all that you gave to him. A warm feeling was spreading all over your body when you felt his soft lips sliding against yours. The kiss was slow and sweet. You didn't want the kiss to end but you needed to see his eyes. To know what he felt for you. Kissing his tears slowly, your lips were making tiny traces over his cheek bone and up to his ear where you whispered softly, "Do you still need me now?"

You feel his arms tightened around your frame and you didn't know if it's a good sign or not. After a long silence, he finally let out a soft whisper in your ears, "I … I …"

Closing your eyes in anticipation, hearts beating so fast, his hands cupping your face and you open your eyes to find his blushing face before you.

"I… Athrun… I… I need you even more… so stay… stay with me."

Happiness. Happiness and completion filled your soul as he whispered those words. The stream of moonlight flowed from the window, illuminating his face, beautiful. You brought your lips back to his. He gasped, unconsciously parting his lips. Flicking your tongue into his warmth, you're trying to feel him. He's shy at first but soon join the dance with you in a fondness that was so him. Warm. Slow. Lingering. And sweet. Kira tasted so nice.

And when the need to breathe took over you, you breathed into his flushed lips, "I love you. Do you…"

"I do… always love you." Kira tightened his arms around you, "Stay… please… stay…"

"I will." You won't leave him again no matter what. Because he needed you and you… you needed him too. 

He buried himself in the crook of your neck. You could feel his breathings in your skin, calm, quiet, and perfect. So perfect. Wanting this moment to never end, you held him so tight inside your arms. And when you turned your eyes, you saw the moon outside the window looked more beautiful than ever. Now that you have Kira in your arms again, everything was beautiful. He completed you.     

"I'll stay forever for you."

~fin~

A/N: Eeep! It's finally done. I finally write this fic! Feedback please! Tell me if you like them or… not? Oh well, it's worth a try anyway. And no flames please…

Is it good or not? Review! And maybe I'll write a Dearka/Yzak fic ^o^

Thank you!


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